We will be liveblogging tonight for the Fiesta Bowl, and request two or three readers willing to help serve as comment police. Hey, on a related note…Jim Delany! How the world’s ass taste?

“What about Ohio State 2, Texas 0?” he said in a telephone interview. “I’d be happy with that. I’m just looking for a win.

On a totally unrelated note, here’s a public service announcement as required by no one:

The ten things to watch for are here. Peter will join us as his emotional stability allows.

Talk to you then.

We EDSBS, and in this fashion update, we ain’t dissin’ no one, but just talking facts: we ain’t carrying no sissy-ass bags. (Warning: language, extremely sincere and thorough complaints about men carrying purses and wearing anything but ill-fitting clothes and fitteds.)

What are we carrying as the fashion essential of the 09? The assistant as crutch, the hot accessory of 2009 for any football program and a relatively inexperienced head coach. Kiffykins–already distracting the masses by bringing his thin, blonde wife to the podium and buying himself another year on the contract–started the trend in earnest, hiring both his father and the Orgeron to join him in Knoxville. This quieted those who believed he would not have enough veteran guidance on the staff, recruiting muscle to lean on while he develops relationships locally, or someone to show him how to operate the copier properly. Together they make the LEEAGUEA DISTINGWUISHT GENNAHMEN, and their powers together could be formidable.

The trend continues at Auburn, where the flashy hire of Gus Malzahn gets a snazzy match today: Trooper Taylor, known as the last flash of new blood in the Fulmer-era Tennessee program and assistant at Oklahoma State this season, will be brought on board to further allay fears among Auburn faithful that Gene Chizik alone can’t revive the program. (A. May not have needed reviving, B. “fears” not strong enough noun there.–ed.)

Taylor is a monstrous recruiter and gospel choir motivator in the locker room, and is a fine accessory for the fashion season of 2009. He also enjoys jumping up and down.
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The Orange Bowl drew the lowest ratings ever for a BCS game, proving that even Jim Grobe facing Bobby Petrino–known for eating cold baby salad on the sideline during games–presents a more charismatic matchup than anything involving Frank Beamer and Brian Kelly. The game pulled a 6.1 share, which means nothing if you’re not familiar with ratings.

Do you watch this show? Please turn yourself in for “voluntary retirement” immediately.

For some illuminating contrast, the Rose Bowl pulled a 12.6 even with an assured Penn State slaughter on the menu. For an even more illuminating and possibly life-altering contrast, consider the contrast with these television ratings, which show that more people watched your average episode of Two and a Half Men than took time out of their week to watch Cincy/Va. Tech. Also: if you were wondering the exact portion of the United States population who might serve the populace better as labor animals, meat, or as batteries to fuel the supercomputers of tomorrow…that number has been recalculated to mean exactly 12 percent of the television viewing audience.

Florida cornerback Joe Haden either does hair-taunting properly in a Saturday presser, or he’s a huge fan of obscure proteins:

Photo: Tricia Coyne, Gainesville Sun.

And yes, Brandon Spikes said this:

“They are a step slower. It will be different for them when they see the speed of our defense,” Spikes said.

Brandon Spikes is also the father of time, author of Tristram Shandy, an accomplished auto-gyro pilot, dandy man-about-town, and was the second president of the nation of East Timor. We question nothing the man says, does, or thinks as long as he keeps intercepting passes with his telescoping go-go-badass arms.

Oh, you’ve just caught me reading a few of my favorite Zane Grey novels in my home study. Do you like my flatscreens, and my platinum thread robe? Does Bob Stoops house look like this? I don’t think so. That man lives like a sad hobo compared to me. Or you, for that matter, I’m sure.

I know you’re busy, college football writers of the world. But I would like to do one thing. First, to wish you a happy new year from all of us at Texas and from the great state of Texas, and to again hope the holidays were kind to you and yours no matter what holiday you were celebrating, be it the Festival of our Lord and Savior’s birth, Kwanzaa, or god forbid Hanukkah.

(HEY! Edit that bit out, will ya? Might hurt our recruiting in..um…well, just edit it out anyway, m’kay? 3..2…)

I’d like to make a special offer to each of you for just keeping Texas in mind when you cast your votes. I know there’s things to fix with the BCS, and no team feels the pain more than the Texas Longhorns. We’ve got work to do, and I look forward to doing it. We need to clean up a mess that puts a team who beat the number one team in the nation head to head with only one loss…well, in the fine Tostitos Fiesta Bowl…it’s something that needs to be cleaned up.

With your very own Texas Longhorns Shamwow, of course.

But that’s just the start of what we at Texas are willing to offer you. (more…)

Oh, there’s so much to cover: a Fiesta Bowl liveblog tonight, Oklahoma players “grabbing the chainsaw” by saying Tim Tebow would be the fourth best qb in the Big 12, Boston College displaying excellence in human resources by threatening to fire Jeff Jagodzinski…so much madness to cover, but first one must be in the right frame of mind. And the right frame of mind to consider the final four days of the college football season requires this:

ALL HAIL MIGHTY CATLAB. Your obeisance is required by penalty of death, but is still appreciated.

See, John Parker Wilson stands at a bar at Bourbon Street, and he’s wondering what to drink. There’s a lot of beers, see. Tons of them. There’s Abita Amber, Abita Turbo Dog, Bud, Bud Lite, Corona, Coors Light, Harp, Guinness, PBR. So many options! He’s just about to decide, he’s looking, he promises he is and he’s looking….he reaches his bruised arm into his pocket to get money.

The bartender asks: “What do you want?”

And in the moment, just when John Parker Wilson is about to decide, he is tackled by three defenders wearing Utah jerseys. They take his money and mock his bangs before heading to Pat O’Brien’s to drink Hurricanes until their eyes cross.

Oh, go ahead and laugh and lean back in your chair and lean back on that most Alabamian of nostrums, “There ain’t no answer for power football.” There is: tt collapses in the face of more powerful football played to nasty precision fueled by a level of infectious anger that, to the disloyal objective viewer, had to convert you to rooting for the Utes by the second quarter.

Award Utah a fourth of the national title. This is not 2004 Utah, a team that turned a fluffy schedule and a victory over a palsied Pitt team into an undefeated season. Utah beat 5 ranked teams and embarrassed the SEC West champion. They did not lose a game this season. They had a defense that dealt out harm to all they faced and boasted one of the more accurate quarterbacks in the nation. They beat people with spread-option tactics executed with wishbone brutality.

If you want more from a team, you’re either unreasonable, a total flaming asshole, or both. In lieu of a playoff, we have to resort to fractions, and to be fair: one fraction is just as good as another.

Therefore, the gold coin of the national title this year will be delved out in pieces of eight. Utes, you get at least a quarter for perfection achieved against quality. This may seem unfair, and it is, but in this most imperfect of college football worlds, unfair desserts are the only dish on the menu.

Hi. I’m an anonymous African American football player at the University of Utah. On the eve of this game you might wonder: why would a talented young black man such as myself go to a place that doesn’t have many of my people in it?

You’d be surprised as to the reasons why. First, Coach Whittingham has done a great job making sure everyone’s comfortable here. He has prayer groups for the Mormons so they feel comfortable. He makes sure we know about churches here in our community, too, and lets us know how welcome and valued we are.

Second, it’s a great community: clean, quiet, and with just enough things to do if you want to stay busy. The outdoor sports scene is great if you like it. There are clubs, and you can hang out with the Utah Jazz if you want to–it’s a big city, sure, but it’s got that small town vibe, too.

Third, it really is a great football program. I’ve learned so much here, and grown so much as a person. I owe the fans and the program so much, and will be a Ute for life.

You know why I really went here? (more…)

Bo Pelini’s face lends itself to photoshoppery so, so well: