Holly: OK. Georgia Tech at UVa, just for giggles, because I think we both know where this one is headed.

Spencer Hall: I’m going to anti-anti you here. I think Georgia Tech wins this because the last thing you would expect Al Groh to do here is win, and Al Groh does one thing better than everyone else: he hates your ass and football. And he wants you to be wrong about football. BEES.

Charlottesville UVA fan, 2 pm tomorrow. BEEEEEEEES!!!

Holly: Diabolical. And while I see your point, I also remember that Georgia Tech tried very hard to ruin football for all of us in that Miami game, and haven’t quite forgiven them despite their kind defeat of VT. The Hokies out of any possible top five contention means both of these: order is restored to the universe, and an equal and opposite universe-upsetting reaction is heading our way. TIMECUBE’D

Holly: Next: Arkansas-Ole Miss. GIGGITY BOWL. Final score: Eleventy to tangerine. (more…)

Blame our east coast bias. It keeps us from doing so many things endorsed by west coasters: veganism, watching football at 9 in the morning (you fucking savages!) and group sex (okay, no comment.) It sometimes delays picking up on stories from the West Coast, like this superb blurb from John Canzano of the Oregonian where he shares an email he received from Senior Associate Athletics Director Kenny Mossman:

Oklahoma’s three losses …

· All versus ranked opponents.

Oh, you don’t know the least bit about pageanting, Kenny Mossman. You play in a conference headed by the queen of pageanting, Mack Brown, whose girls never line up in the inevitable BCS post-season lineup without flawless mascara applied and hairdos blasted into place by a thousand empty cans of White Rain and ESPN appearances. Reminding people of close losses won’t be enough, especially when your most worst loss came to a team later blown out at home by Florida State, and your only “quality” win came over “Baylor.” If Mack Brown is the master tap-dancer getting twenties thrown in his hat on the subway platform, Oklahoma is the tuneless bucket drummer thwacking away spastically on an empty paint jug.

Pageanting will continue apace, especially if the nightmare Alabama-Florida rematch scenario occurs. It likely won’t, but if that somehow happens, the campaigning will redefine whorish.

Monday’s cooking segment “In the Kitchen with the Texas Tech O-Line” contained several factual inaccuracies.  Contrary to stated remarks by left tackle Brandon “Mankind” Carter, it is not possible to become pregnant by ingesting whole quail eggs. Also, mussels that do not open when steamed can in fact cook through and are safe to eat. We regret the error.

A clarification is needed for a quote in Wednesdays’ “Spring Practice Capsules.” We quoted Steve Spurrier improperly due to a typographical error. The quote should have read:

We just fiddle around the wishbone in practice. It’s not for game situations, just something for the guys. The wishbone is strictly for the guys.

We apologize for any offense the gay community may have taken at the implications of the typo as it originally appeared in the piece. The wishbone is a football offense open to both straight and gay football players, and has no preferences no matter how many dive penetration jokes you make. We regret the error.

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In a swift response to the outcry surrounding Ohio State University’s decision to do away with a seniority-based system for allotment of alumni football tickets in favor of a lottery, the school is asking its former students to step into the spotlight.  An Ohio State University Alumni Association announced this afternoon that it would be instituting a merit-based system and awarding the vast majority of its available seats for conference games to winners of the Brent Musberger’s Balls Memorial THAAAAH BUCKEEYYYEESSSH Spirit Pageant and Covered Dish Supper, to be held on campus the last week of July.  The contest is open to all Ohio State University alumni and members of their immediate family.  Below, the frontrunners for all major categories:

Lead Pipe Twirling:  Priscilla Abernathy, 10, Upper Arlington

The pageant’s youngest entrant hopes to prove to her father, Dillard, that even lacking the requisite chromosomes she can be the son he told her he always wanted.  She wowed judges at last April’s Columbus Cotillion with her deft handling of even the rustiest metal shards.

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Monday’s feature “At Home With The Big 10″, profiling Iowa Hawkeyes coach Kirk Ferentz, listed “sensitivity” and “soft hands” among his most commonly recognized qualities. Our editorial staff has since been contacted by Ferentz’s wife, Mary, who reports that he is a cold and unfeeling lover. We regret the error.

A late-night breaking news bulletin quoting Alabama Crimson Tide coach Nick Saban as saying he had “no surprises” for his “extra” scholarship players was incomplete. The blurb failed to include Saban miming the twirling of a mustache he does not possess, and should have been accompanied by the following photo of a little-used Tuscaloosa practice field:

We regret the error.

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Hosted by My Opinion On Sports this week, we submit our answers to the Blogpoll Roundtable questions of the week.

1. Which coaches are clearly on the hot seat at this point? Who is surprisingly not?

There’s a slew of easy answers, most notably the dead ringer for Uncle Fester whose team clearly forgot the basic tenets of the Geneva Convention against Florida International last Saturday night. The midfield waterboarding of an FIU trainer was simply unspeakable. And involving the wounded in the battle? Clearly against international law. If boosters don’t sack Coker first, Samantha Power will surely be hot on their heels.

We’ll see you at the Hague.

A piece of expired meat on the coaching buffet sorely in need of spotlighting is Mike Riley, a coach who’s lived each degree on the great compass of coaching. He’s gone from being highly coveted to unwanted to back to coveted and now has swung back to extremely, extremely unwanted, a holding pattern for him now that will result in his quiet, inevitable firing following the season.

Riley’s big victory last season over Cal should not impress; the Beavers faced as discombobulated a team as Tedford’s fielded in his tenure there last year, and following their complete use of all talent fuel in the game against the Bears they went on to lose all but one of their remaining games. (And that was over lowly ‘05 Washington, a team whose stank-nasty quotient was only exceeded by lowlier ‘04 Washington.)

The ‘06 numbers don’t exactly change the trend arrow on Riley, either: (more…)

Reason number 601,321 that we can’t wait for football season to start…. the highlight of the weekend TV watching involved this:

We did promise gratuitous photos to make you forget our guest bloggers!  Thank you Miss Universe.

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Normally, we leave the mass-summary of the internet’s finest to Brian’s Unverified Voracity, but a few important works merit mention here:

–First, Warren interviews the “Lee Corso is a Penis” guy. Magnificent coverage of a story that reflects everything we fight for as Americans. Fuck yeah!

–We also have this staggering quote from Peter King, who we have now vowed to hit with the thrown chassis of a Dodge Charger the next time we see him. Stand agog, dear reader. (First via the badddd blog Gunslingers.

I think the one thing you can’t understand unless you live somewhere on the Eastern Seaboard between Washington and Boston — or unless you once lived there — is the intensity of a big sports event.

We were going to respond to this, but we were eating a cinnamon bun. Oh, it’s the best cinnamon bun in the world, and it’s soooo different from any other cinnamon bun we’ve ever had. It’s got this cream cheese frosting on the top, and this delicious gooey dough, and it’s so hot and toasty, and we know what you’re thinking: sure, man, that sounds like any other regular cinnamon bun in the world. But it’s different man, it’s like a totally different thing, and you just can’t get it because it’s my favorite cinnamon bun and yours is totally teh sux0rs and mine’s not and you just suck and that….that is sad for you.

When we get mad, and we get pissed, Pete, we take a pen and we make a list. You’ve made our shit list. Shiiiittttttttt…..LIST. This from a man who pimps Starbucks like they’re giving his fat ass free reacharounds. Appalling.

Peter King: you haven’t lived ’till you’ve been to a Nets/Knicks game.

–And there’s the matter of our interview with All Things Longhorn, where we talk about our favorite beauty pageant contestant, Ms. Bucksnort.

Since it is the off season and we here at EDSBS.com are married and have previously admitted to sometimes having to watch something other than sports, we would like to sound a shout out to our friendly neighbors to the north and congratulate them for having this years’ most beautiful woman… not just in the world, but in the universe.

Almost enough to make us all hockey fans, eh.
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Okay, its not exactly college football related but it is the off season and we here at EDSBS.com are married and sometimes snatched out of our sports cocoon and forced to do husbandly things… like shop at Home Depot, Bed, Bath and Beyond or watch the Miss USA Pageant. Well, I’ve done all three this week.

At some point during this hug it went from gracious loser to a little awkwardly long… but we didn’t mind.

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